I know I'm crazy writing this post so late at night. It's just that there are so many thoughts in my head now that even if I try to calm down it will not work. There is really always this fear in me. I know that it is something very real and could happen anytime anywhere. I just didn't think that it would disturb me so much. If being awake at 3 plus in the morning is anything indicative to go by.
There was a time really when I thought that it could really work. All of us being as connected to one as to the others. I thought there were promises to keep it that way forever (then again, nothing was forever). I saw how it changed or rather how nothing changed. Then, I knew. It was just a matter of deceiving myself. We were not all as close as I'd like to think we are.
Don't even try to explain.
Is there a reason why? Why you choose to try and maintain the facade that we are good friends? The cracks have always been there. I don't even know if your ignorance is due to plain lack of sensitivity or you just don't a damn that people are left out. Haha this sounds like I just got angry and just decide to lash out at everyone and anyone possible, isn't it? I don't know if you know this is what you are making me feel but these are my honest emotions.
You all make me feel left out.
I just keep on telling myself that you all don't mean to make me feel that was, it just happened. Once or twice, I would have believed that it is true. But, no, this has been happening for a year or so. And if it is not for another friend who pointed out to me, I would have just let myself ignore this feeling. (Somehow I think if I ever get a boyfriend, I would never know if he is cheating on me or not) What are friends? I have been asking myself that for a very long time. Somehow everyone when I think I've gotten it, the definition of friendship shifted and changed.
So really, what doesn't this all mean?
Does it mean that my feelings were right? I never had a place in this group that I thought I belonged. And you all are just trying to forget that I exist. Because it is better for your heart to know that it was not you cutting me loose from the group but it was the distance that you put between us that caused us to drift apart. And that this way no one could blame the other for this accident that happened. Little did you you know of the emotion ride that you've sent me on. One that kept me guessing each and every turn.
If that is that case, then just tell me straight in the face. I promise that I will not blame you.
Sigh. After such a long rant, I supposed nothing would change. I would continued to be ignored if possible and we continue to be a group of really tight friends. (Even if you don't treat me as a good friends, I would because I care. If that mean anything at all)
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